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Daily Chews Miers Hopes to Score Points by Delivering Cakes, Pies, and Other Baked Goods to Senators The Supreme Court nominee will also present senators with customized fortune cookies that she hopes will clear up some of the confusion about her judicial philosophy. A sampling of the fortunes follows: She who has happy good feelings wins friends. Rooster crows; turtle is silent. Cherry tree must not blossom for too many gentlemen. If cherry tree blossoms for too many gentlemen, cherry tree is slut.
Former FEMA Director Michael Brown is still on the receiving end of plenty of guff for his failure to respond to a few "urgent" e-mails pleading for help for the victims of Katrina. Following is the latest from AP: On August 31, Marty Bahamonde, FEMA's regional director in New England--dispatched to New Orleans by Brown--e-mailed the FEMA head to tell him that thousands of evacuees were gathering in the streets with no food or water and that "estimates are many will die within hours." Further, Bahamonde said, "Sir, I know that you know the situation is past critical," and made it clear that it was urgent to evacuate those with medical conditions as soon as possible in order to get them proper care. Shortly after this e-mail was sent, Brown's press secretary, Sharon Worthy, wrote colleagues to complain that the FEMA director needed more time to eat dinner at a Baton Rouge restaurant that evening. "He needs much more that [sic] 20 or 30 minutes," Worthy wrote. "Restaurants are getting busy," she said. "We now have traffic to encounter to go to and from a location of his choise [sic], followed by wait service from the restaurant staff, eating, etc. Thank you." Presumably Brown also required time to use his fork and knife, to chew his food and swallow it, and to wipe his mouth with a napkin at the conclusion of the meal.
At some point, the creatures started to get a little steamed about being objectified as foodstuffs. At first they turned their anger inward and just started laying around a lot, chewing their cuds or scratching themselves, blowing bubbles or floating motionless, flapping their wings, dropping feathers. And then, gradually, the inrage turned to outrage. And manifested in Mad Cow disease, Listeria, Bird Flu. We eat enough outrage as it is. We'll stick with the veggie burger, thanks. Extra onion, hold the sprouts. And supersize that, would ya?
Daily Chews Bush Deaf In Just One Ear, Not Both, Though Likely Remains Tone-Deaf In Both Ears During a press conference in the Rose Garden today, Bush complained about the attention focused on the potential legal troubles of three or more members of his senior staff: "There's some background noise here, a lot of chatter, a lot of speculation and opining." Later an anonymous White House source overheard the president say the following: It's like an irritation ... like an irritating buzzing or a droning, like a fly or swarm of flies or locusts or what are those things called? Katydids? Like a bunch of katydids on a hot summer night. Could you people please keep it down? I mean, come on ... Show a little consideration. I mean please ... I've had just about enough, frankly, enough of your bitching and whining about ethics and legalities and truth, justice, what have you. Blah-blah-blah. I just ... I've had it up to here with the ... meanspirited ... with the speculation.... What a bunch of Chatty Cathies and Nosy Nancies! Since when did you give an Oompa-Loompa's ass about what we do anyway? Sheesh, I mean what we do, this is some hard work, so let up already, you know? Cut us some slack, you know? I don't get ... Why would you keep talking about these things? Why ... I mean, these are all highly personal and private White House matters and I think the American people should respect that and have a little decency. I've had just about enough. Now I'm going to eat my sandwich. Where's my sandwich? It's time for my sandwich and some cookies ... some of those ... the little ones ... the little cookies that look like animals and things. Those things sure are good. I especially like the ... those ... I like the elephants best.
DeLay's pep-talk to self at the time this photo was taken: "Smile, damn it! Smile! You are a strong man. You are a good man. You are an owner of many large whips and a fabulous hot tub."
There are just no two ways about it -- there's something about the state of Texas that breeds rampant disrespect for the law.
Daily Chews The Hammer Nailed Earlier today the hammer of justice came down squarely on former house majority leader Tom "The Hammer" DeLay's large-ish head. A warrant was issued for his arrest on money-laundering and conspiracy charges. DeLay must report for fingerprinting and mug-shooting prior to his scheduled court appearance Friday in Austin, Texas. His bail has been set at $10,000. Seems the ornery Longhorn is about to get whipped, and whipped good.
Yeesh. E-mail, phone calls, meetings, Anonymouses, Roves, Scooter-Libbys, Millers, Novaks, Coopers, Plames, Wilsons, letters, letters, letters. Forests full of letters. The following is an excerpt from a mysterious missive I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby sent to Judith Miller on September 15 of this year, accompanying the waiver or re-waiver allowing or re-allowing Miller to testify before a grand jury about their conversations. You went to jail in the summer. It is fall now. You will have stories to cover -- Iraqi elections and suicide bombers, biological threats and the Iranian nuclear program. Out West, where you vacation, the aspens will already be turning. They turn in clusters, because their roots connect them. Come back to work—-and life. Until then, you will remain in my thoughts and prayers. Retrace the paper trail as it wends its way through clusters of conspiratorial aspens.
If you don't have candy in your immediate environment, you probably won't eat the candy that is not in your immediate environment. We have Trader Joe's Very Chocolate Mini Meringues in our immediate environment. In our mind we have M&Ms, Reese's peanut butter cups, Swedish fish, Grapeheads (formerly Alexander the Grapes), Skittles, Watermelon Blow Pops, GooGoo Clusters, Ginger ChocoLove bars, Butterfingers, and Red Vines. And we're eating them. Posted by Melissa Price at 02:50 PMDaily Chews Do the Evolution It's official: Gorillas know how to crack nuts. In fact, they can be quite good at it. We thought we already knew this. But apparently we didn't. What we did, in fact, know before: That chimpanzees, as well as some humans, know how to use tools. What we do, in fact, know now: That gorillas also know how to use tools--specificallly, they know how to smash palm nuts between two rocks to extract oil. Hmmm ... We still feel like we knew that.
The distance between us B: Are you sure? A left? A: Right! B: Right? A: You missed it. B: What? A: The left. B: You said right. A: Have you been drinking? Glenn Reynolds declares Left paranoid. Further, he hints that said paranoia, while dead-on in spirit, is way off in letter:
Blah blah blah blahdy blah blah oh who cares ... Oh, sorry. Well, probably Reynolds is right about some of this. But of course there's the obvious, which sometimes bears re-stating. Why, why, why would the Left be paranoid? Unless maybe what started out as seeming paranoia actually turned out to be sound suspicion. Unless apparently paranoid worst-case scenarios repeatedly turned out, in the end, to look really pretty sweet in comparison to what actually wound up happening. Luckily, we know just how to deal with this pesky strain of paranoia. That's right! We propose a new drinking game! Every time you start to imagine that Bush is trying to use his position as president to advance his own personal agenda, take a drink. We ourselves have been pre-emptively drunk pretty much since October of 2000. (Though luckily, our drink of choice is coffee, so we just wind up getting a little overexcitable sometimes.) Hey, what can we say. We may be jittery and paranoid, but we are also prescient. Posted by Melissa Price at 02:34 PMO'Reilly: It's Not Easy Being Mean Learn more about the ever-persecuted journo here. Bottom line: O'Reilly feeling picked-on, bullied, and just a widdle grumpykins. And no wonder, with dismal ratings like these: In late August "The Factor" became cable news' top-rated program for 200 weeks, with slightly less than 3 million viewers a night. According to O'Reilly, though, success just means more mean kids beating up on him during recess. Also all the enmity is affecting his bottom-line: Gauging the animus against O'Reilly has always been a rough art, but by his own estimation "it's gotten worse. Now it's so bad that I spend an enormous amount of money protecting myself against evil." We've always wondered: How much would it cost to protect ourselves from evil? And is evil the same thing as the Liberal Media Establishment? Hmmm... It's got some of the same letters.... Hey, wait a minute, L------ ---I- E------------ OK, wait. Boy are we feeling duped. And a little scared. We'll be ordering in falafels and watching Mr. O'Reilly on the "Daily Show" tonight in order to learn more. We want in on this Evil Insurance. Posted by Melissa Price at 11:22 AMDaily Chews It Takes Three Nightline's Ted Koppel is being replaced by three anchors. Three! But he's so tiny! One of the anchors who's replacing him is Martin "Blanket" Bashir, the crackerjack reporter who re-broke the "Michael Jackson Eccentric!" story in excruciating detail in 2003. We have no idea how tall he is. (However we do feel that if you arrange the three replacement anchors--also Cynthia McFadden and Terry Moran--end on end in totem-pole fashion, Koppel will still manage to tower over them.) An excerpt from Bahshir's hard-hitting MJ interview: MB: Hey, why are you climbing that tree? MJ: I like trees. Climbing is fun. Come on! Come on! Climb the tree! Climb the tree! It's nice up here! MB looks into the camera, widening his eyes exaggeratedly as if to say "OK, you see it with your own eyes, ladies and gentlemen, a grown man climbing a tree. How very, very odd." That's just ... He's just ... That's just ignorant. Also, who cares if he refers to his kids as "blanket." We ourselves plan to anoint our own adopted children with charming and affectionate pet names. Topping the list: Mattress
Wait a minute ... Was I not supposed to vote in this election? I'm a little confused here. It's just that I don't want to miss one. I must participate, I must, I must. If anyone hears of other elections I could vote in, please let me know. I'm fearful one might slip by unnoticed.
The panda cub in Washington, DC's National Zoo has just been dubbed Tai Shan, which means, of course, peaceful mountain. Please. Enough of the whimsy already. It's time for some reality-naming. Like, okay, for instance, what public figure most closely resembles a panda bear? My reality-name choice: Colin Powell. Also in the running: Following is the official spin for the bear's chosen name, which was the winning result of an online poll: "Tai Shan is a result of the love between the two giant pandas Mei Xiang and Tian Tian and also represents the great feeling between the American and Chinese people," Yan Xun, deputy director of the conservation department of the Peoples Republic of China, said through an interpreter. And a postscript: Tai Shan was conceived by artificial insemination after zoo scientists determined that Mei Xiang and male panda Tian Tian did not successfully mate. Posted by Melissa Price at 10:36 AM
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